Sale Email — oliviakirk.com

Olivia Kirk wrote this email after a dream of being abducted by aliens and a hectic morning in the Key Foods canned food aisle. It provided a very nice break for subscribers in the middle of a busy sales period, with a lot of sales-y comms. Although not one product was pictured, it generated $65 thousand dollars.

{begin transmission}

{signal received from outer space}

..........................................

Hello {{ first_name|default:"" }},

I don’t have much time. This message contains eight phenomenon on Earth in need of immediate remedy. I have organized them in order of gravitas. The list begins with items that are mere annoyances and ends with things that threaten civilization as we know it.

1. You Not Buying From The Summer Stacking Sale

It makes no sense why you won't take $200 of your order. TODAY ONLY get an extra 25% off low light Pit Vipers.

SOLVE THIS ISSUE

2. The Lack of Bowls With Straws In Adult Households

The youths seem to keep much higher spirits than other ages, this is probably why.

BUY BOWL WITH STRAW

3. Opposite Day

It's not funny. It never was. JUST KIDDING IT'S OPPOSITE DAY IT'S F*CKING HILARIOUS... if it was opposite day I couldn't say that though. This existential spiral of a mind game needs to be put to an end.

DO NOT CLICK HERE (it's opposite day)

4. Texting In Front of the Green Beans

You're pushing around a noisy metal cart, fluorescent lights beating on you, prepared to spend your hard earned money when you get to the most comfortable aisle in the grocery store, the canned food aisle. It's not too cold, the food is humbly priced, and all stresses of checking expiration dates slip away. You're headed for the elite canned vegetable, when you see someone has parked their cart, typing away in front of the green beans. You attempt to make eye contact with no success as their peripheral vision seems to be absent. You muster up the courage to say excuse me. They move 2 inches, leaving you with an unbefitting scope of the green beans. You weren't sure if you wanted Green Giants, or Del Montes, or the store brand, but you settle for whatever is reachable all because someone couldn't pick a f*cking emoji and get on with their shopping.

THERE IS A REASON THE CELL SERVICE IS SHITTY IN THE GROCERY STORE

5. Parking Tickets

This shit needs to stop immediately.

10 FEET FROM A HYDRANT SHOULD BE FAR ENOUGH

6. Taking 10 Minutes to Pick Out Stamps At the Post Office

It is not necessary to look at EVERY sheet of stamps. This should be a simple run-in run-out errand. Just ask for a damn roll of stamps and take what you get, the people behind you in line will thank you for it.

ANNIHILATE STAMP MULLERS

7. Expensive Water

Fuck you bottle of water. You're water. You're not worth three f*cking dollars.

VOSS TASTES LIKE TAP WATER ANYWAYS

8. You Not Clicking a Button

You read this email I wrote to you, it brought you varying degrees of joy, maybe even a laughter, all for you to NOT CLICK A F*CKING BUTTON??!!1 DID YOU NOT HEAR WE'RE GIVING YOU AN EXTRA 25% OFF LOW LIGHT PIT VIPERS TODAY??? THEN UP TO $200 OFF YOUR FREAKING ORDER!!!! IF ANYTHING CLICK FOR ME. I PUT MY BLOOD, SWEAT, AND TEARS INTO THESE EMAILS. WHEN THEY GET A LOT OF CLICKS I TELL EVERYONE IN MY RECENT CALLS LIST AND THEY SAY "GOOD JOB OLIVIA," AND PROBABLY THINK ABOUT MY SUCCESS THE REST OF THE DAY. You not clicking proves human decency is dwindling, a catalyst to the beginning of the end of mankind.

SAVE THE WORLD

{end transmission}

Email writer to ground control. Do not unsubscribe. I repeat. DO NOT {% unsubscribe %}.
{{ organization.name }} {{ organization.full_address }}

oliviakirk.com

oliviakirkisfun@gmail.com